My best from MySpace: Weirdness


Originally posted on MySpace on 7/16/10

Tomorrow will be three weeks that my Roland died.  21 days.  Very, very long days.

This is a little reflection on what it is like.

I am in a very weird place.

I hope you will bear with me.  I know you have all grieved.  For lost parents, brothers, sisters, friends, and others. I have too. This is worse.  Much worse.  The only thing that could be worse is the death of a child.

First of all, let me say, “Widowhood sucks.  There is nothing about it that does not suck.  Period.”

For those of you in happy marriages, my advice is, die first.  Really.  This is a really bad place, and I can’t think of anything to recommend it.  Other than that if I had, in fact, died first, I would have left my love in this position.  So, with that thought, I must accept that this is my cross to bear for now.

Thea wrote this for me:

Trying Cry

Still and silent soul
Finally and too soon bereft of its twining mate
Spinning quietly with the momentum of parting
Soon spent…how on Earth—God!—do we find
Our dark clad foot on a darkly lit path
Never mind the next step, but just to place it down again,
Now the piper’s tune is done and the dance replete?

Vision altered with diamond tears in velvet night
Pain in nova blossoms anew and spreads
Articulated, sharp-edged, and merciless
Until all is a conflagration of grief
Travelling a raw and well-seasoned network tracery
In to every abode, den, and way place of body and mind
Faith and hope become millstones of cold reprove…

…yet…

For a breath, all that tarries is Love
Plain, unmet, answerless…

Ask again, Denese…for the twelve quartered wind
Is always listening, and draws its zephyrs even now
To your succor…however it may shape and press
The cloth of your being against your beleaguered frame
Love that is spent is not lost, and well-spent flourishes beyond its wielders
Returning on a sister brother breeze

Seek ye out the breasts of your loved ones
And lay your head down upon them
Be held and caressed and kissed
Cry all of your tears
That in sweet catharsis you may be left
Limp and pliant, and there you may rest awhile
Seek not beyond this for now
It is enough to place your foot down
On that darkly lit path, and wait for the coming dawn

I think Thea must have been here before.  Or she is amazingly empathetic.

My first impression was the surprise at the physical loneliness.  That caught me unprepared.  The physical presence that had been a given for me…hugs, kisses, hands held, the weight of him next to me in bed, or watching television. The sound of his footsteps, his constant cough.  The sound of his labored breathing the last few weeks, even. Now a big empty space.  A terrible”wrongness” in the world.  Because he is not there. And for 26 years, he was never “not there.”

We always met adversity by saying, “It will be alright, as long as we are together.”  That saying was my mantra through all the many adversities in life.  So now I must find a way for “it” to be alright, even though we aren’t together anymore.

Because, you see, I know he doesn’t want me to stop living.  Or enjoying what life has to offer.  I know he wants me to go on and be happy.

So, rather than curl up and die in my grief, I must work through it.  And it is a very hard thing.

The day before yesterday, I did not cry.  That was a milestone.  I made up for it yesterday.

I cry when I meet a friend of his that doesn’t know, and when they ask how he is, I have to tell them that he is gone.  And endure their shock and sadness.

I cry when I see something that he would have enjoyed seeing or hearing about.

I cry when I see a book that he would have enjoyed reading. Or a TV show that would have stirred him.

I cry when I am reminded how much I have lost.  I cry when I run errands.  He always did that for me, because he knew I hated it. I cry when I cook.  He always cooked for me.  I cry when I do laundry.  Because he always did the laundry.

How selfish am I?

But you know, I am starting to get real tired of crying.

When will I have cried enough.  I wonder?

When will I stop reaching for him unconsciously?

When will I stop looking for chocolate to buy for him?

When will I buy teal blue clothing that I like, but never did because he doesn’t like that color?

When will my grief stop being the center of my existence.  My daily task?

Ever?

I hope.

This is a very strange place for me to be, this unhappy place of grief.  I don’t like it at all.  But, I know that it is where I must be for now.  So, I am willing to accept.

For now.

OK, enough crying today.

I will think of something to laugh about.

Stolen funeral flowers.  I have to laugh.

Thanks everyone for being my friend, and my support.

Denese

About Dee

I have too many cats, and I am crazy, but I still maintain I am not a crazy cat lady. Maybe its the lady part? Widowed, mature, liberal, Christian, intelligent (no, the two are not mutually exclusive!) photographer, blogger, classic rock lover, ex-hippie (ok, maybe not ex) theater aficionado, down to earth, open-minded, loud-mouthed, and very opinionated old lady.
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7 Responses to My best from MySpace: Weirdness

  1. I remember when some of my friends were married for 20 years, and the husband/wife decided to find someone else to take their place, or when someone lost their spouse at a young age. For them , at that time ,it seemed life was over for them.
    Some found love, and some decided to not even look. All are very happy today as far as I can tell. I think you are just where you need to be at this time. Me loosing my husband , and remembering the good time has to go back before 89 when he could no longer work because of his COPD. We still had many good years ,even after he lost his sight in 2000, but it was always hard on him. The last three years he forced himself to do things I could never have done, but he took life by the tail, and said when I am down and can’t get up , then it’s over. I know I grieved for 3 years knowing he was pushing him self with ever thing he did, but the one thing he never did was feel sorry for himself. When we took that trip to Nevada on St. Patty’s day , he knew it was his last trip, and I knew it would rush his death, but this is what he wanted. I feel no quilt for going. He loved seeing his childhood friends, and he enjoyed himself so much. He ate hardy nothing, and struggled at night to breathe, but when he was with his friends he was still funny, and so happy. We had a much longer time together than you and Roland, so yes, it is going to take you awhile longer to go through the anger, grief, and the loneness. I still have my bad days, but I have no choice as do you, so when you can, go places with friends, and try changing old habits. I always did the laundry, and cooked, so I still have to do the laundry, but cooking is not too often.I now go out and get something to eat, and snack at night. At your age, I know Roland would want you to find happiness.Give you self time, and take what happiness you find tomorrow, and the day after,and etc. I am over the not knowing what to do with my self, although I do sleep a lot more than I should. I am still learning to live without Roy. I am better today than yesterday ,or last week, or last month though. It just takes time. I am sending you my wishing for a great rest of your life. Love You, Darlene

    • Thanks, Darlene. It is getting better. I still cry, and feel like my life has been turned upside down, but it is a little easier already. So, I expect it will continue to get easier, but it still just sucks big time. I found myself remembering (finally) last week how it was when we were first together, and I haven’t been able to do that for months, even before he died, without falling to pieces.

      Had a setback a few days ago when the wife of a friend who died around Thanksgiving died this week…complications of Lovebird Syndrome. It reminded me what a fragile place we are in. So…talk to me when you can, and if it helps. Don’t want anymore people I like dying anytime soon. THIS MEANS YOU, OK?

      Love you to pieces, Darlene.

      You take care of yourself, OK?

  2. elsololobo says:

    That video of Dr. Ramachandran was my blog. I didn’t realize you were armadillo lady, I thought that was one of your friends. HA!
    I had my settings so that I had to approve comments before they would post…I changed that. Now comments you make should just post and I should get an email that I have a comment.

    • I thought everyone knew I was ArmadilloLady, but another friend just recognized this was me. Its a persona I use for BlogTalk Radio and a few other places, where I might be indiscreet enough not to want to use my real name. LOL

    • And I need to figure out how to undo the approve comment thingy because that sucks big time. I ain’t afraid of no one’s words!

      • elsololobo says:

        Did you find the right setting? Is that you in the picture? Wow. Shhh…we have the “reply” button back at Spazz and also limitless length of comments. You on blogtalk!? And you think you kow someone! HA! I guess I told you why I decided against doing radio. Life does go on for those of us left living. Sometimes now my 26 years with Philis takes on dreamlike quaities… There are no artifacts or connections whatever, then with now, no furniture, no house, no car, maybe a half dozen pictures. No contact with anyone who knew her. Love ya.

        • That might be harder. I think I will eventually be glad of all the reminders of Roland. And of course, I have our daughter.

          Yeah. That is me in the pic. Hahaha! A while ago. When were mullets in? Actually, I think its maybe 15 years ago. So, I am in disguise as the old me. Or young me…depending on how you look at it. The old me was young.!

          I doubt I will be doing much here. Too much trouble to build a following. Been there, done that at MySpace, so now that they “fixed” what they fixed, I may just use this to post backups of blogs I really think are good.

          Love you too!

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